Wednesday, April 20, 2005
I dont feel HC yet...
Life's so screwed in HC nowadays...even though i appear not to show it on the surface. Haiz...damn it. First i was late (not much of a problem). Then there are boring lectures and tutorials going on. Screwed. Well...then there is this econs essay test...which i tink tt i can do a lot better than i have performed...cos i couldnt fucking complete the paper...but then i speculate i will still score an okay mark for it, so i didnt make an issue out of it. But then the events seem pointless...they no longer matter...and i guess I have to sort out my thoughts now, in this post...
Today Lay Ning came back from SAJC to visit us. So did Huang Yu. Somehow they missed HC life very very much, that they are willing to spend their time to come back. To them, HC is still a desired school as compared to SAJC. They treasured their first three months that they have spent with us.
I know that I would be extremely disappointed if my 'O' Lvl results do not permit me to stay in HC. But for a slightly different reason. Not because I love HC and i wanted to stay badly, but because any result that exceeds the HC cut-off point is considered atrocious, something which i felt i did not deserve given the hard work which i put in for the 'O' Lvls.
But with the benefit of hindsight, flunking my O lvls and entering neighbourhood jcs like SAJC could probably be a blessing in disguise...as compared to me staying in HC. And if it is possible to switch position with Lay Ning i will genuinely consider the offer. Why so? A few aspects includes academic, intra-personal relations and CCAs.
Firstly, with my character and personality...i know i will never fit into HC. Seriously. Neither will i assimilate well into the top few JCs like RJ, VJ etc. This is because i m simply not a studious, consiencious student with a "i must mug like shit" kindda attitude. I wont do my tutorials if i dont feel like it. Like today...how i promised myself that i will start on my piling fmaths hw but i didnt. I wont feel bad or guilty if i m not mugging...like some ppl in our class will. Neither will the prospect of flunking tests worry me. I know. It's impossible to change the way i behave...cos i m myself. And i m not HC, becuase I cannot fit into HC because i work in a way unlike most HC students too...and as such i am having trouble integrating into the HC envt.
No matter what they say or as much as they would like to dispute it, i know i m the laggiest 1st intaker in my class currently in terms of doing tutorials, excluding PRCs like yiqun (i exclude him not because he is intelligent, as you will see my stand later, but because i dont interact with him often enough to comment). In fmaths, i havent any vectors tutorials at all, and i havent started on A9. Not tt it helps when a substantial number of tutorials are copied from other ppl, cos initially i thot we have to hand in tutorials. For physics, it's much worse because effectively i have only touched Units and Quantities, Vectors and Scalars, and four qns of Kinematics. (well...i m not so sure for this but perhaps rach may be laggier in this aspect...even though i doubt so). And econs...yes. There is only me and wj around for the 1st intakes. And ever since i copied the mcqs from him at around tutorials 3 or 4 i have never touched econs tutorials at home again. And i know wj occasionally scribble notes around his tutorials...hence he has looked thru them at home...no matter how little time he spends...
Even after establishing the fact that i m the laggiest in tutorials, which i never get to do so, ppl will start to sweep the fact away by saying things like "pohwei, u're smart" and "i m sure u can catch up if u want to, it's juz tt u dont want" and "i m not intelligent like you and that's why i have to work harder". Bascially these are comments which make me feel quite bad, for a few reasons which i could think of...
Firstly, when i comment on my tutorial state, i m merely trying to make people feel better because i m damn behind by my tutorials. I can sense tt many are very stressed by the never-ending tutorials, and the only way which i tink they can relieve stress is to stop doing for a period of time so that they can rejuvenate and start doing again. However, the reply that i m intelligent actually encourages them to continue in their mugging state, which is sad but true.
Secondly, i know that i m not intelligent, at least as compared to them. This is a controversial point and it seems like i m fighting a losing battle currently. However, i know this is true, being one of the rare 8-pointer around who struggled to get 4a1s for my O lvls. Yes, results do not reflect your intelligence but they speak volumes about your academic abilities, something which i do not possess. And yes...even if i m slightly more intelligent than them, which i doubt so, the time they spend in their tutorials as compared to mine is proportionally higher than my intellectual abilities relative to theirs. Moreover, it's apparant that intelligent people nid to do their tutorials too in order to do well for examinations. Either way...they are much better off as compared to me. Yet they do not seem to recognise it.
Thirdly, i sense that i have caused unhappiness in others because of the misconception that i m more intelligent. And because of this unhappiness i know i will never be able to speak to them heart-to-heart, in a truthful and friendly manner. Speaking from a position i feel, which may or may not be true, i felt that wj is irritated when he cant understand elasticity concepts in fmaths tutorials today, partially because i can understand them well. This seem to leave him in a position of being the lousier first intake in our small econs class, which is certainly untrue. On the contary, judging from the number of pages he wrote this time, and the relavance and quality of his points which he mentioned to me, which are closely linked to economic concepts, i feel that he will do a good, if not a better job than me for this essay. This just shows how unhappiness can be felt even though it is unnecessary.
In terms of PR, i feel tt the situation is also closely linked to mugging. In HC, ppl are so mugged that they have little time left to go out and have fun together. In fact, i cant find any ppl yet who will be willing to spend a lot of their time going out and have fun. When i entered JC i feel that it's more impt to have fun than to do well in studies. However, thinking back, i feel i m foolish to even think that my fellow Hwachongians will tink the same way. Here, almost every single person is aiming for two S-Papers, even though only a small minority will get them eventually. To them, results are all tt matter, even though it may lead to a fucked-up HC life, a screwed up social life...or even no fucking life. In fact, results can be directly linked to some of the tension that is caused in relationship with others.
Moreover, in after hanging out with them for so long, i feel that i cannot associate with any of my classmates yet. Yes, i can crap and joke around with them, but when it comes to expressing my feelings, i feel that no one is willing to hear, and no one will understand. As a result, i m stuck as being regarded as a crapper who has nothing better to do. Crapping is good for ice-breaking but when it comes to a proper friendship, crapping alone doesnt help. If i find a stranger in the public which can understand crap, by the second day i know him i will have probably be able to crap as much as i crapped with any person in this class. This merely shows how superficial my relationship is with others. Yes, i know a lot of ppl from HC but are they all for crapping?
Well...i still got a lot to write but after spending more than one hour writing the above nonsense i tink i better stop now...and sleep. Will blog the other parts which i failed to mention when i feel like it.
Today Lay Ning came back from SAJC to visit us. So did Huang Yu. Somehow they missed HC life very very much, that they are willing to spend their time to come back. To them, HC is still a desired school as compared to SAJC. They treasured their first three months that they have spent with us.
I know that I would be extremely disappointed if my 'O' Lvl results do not permit me to stay in HC. But for a slightly different reason. Not because I love HC and i wanted to stay badly, but because any result that exceeds the HC cut-off point is considered atrocious, something which i felt i did not deserve given the hard work which i put in for the 'O' Lvls.
But with the benefit of hindsight, flunking my O lvls and entering neighbourhood jcs like SAJC could probably be a blessing in disguise...as compared to me staying in HC. And if it is possible to switch position with Lay Ning i will genuinely consider the offer. Why so? A few aspects includes academic, intra-personal relations and CCAs.
Firstly, with my character and personality...i know i will never fit into HC. Seriously. Neither will i assimilate well into the top few JCs like RJ, VJ etc. This is because i m simply not a studious, consiencious student with a "i must mug like shit" kindda attitude. I wont do my tutorials if i dont feel like it. Like today...how i promised myself that i will start on my piling fmaths hw but i didnt. I wont feel bad or guilty if i m not mugging...like some ppl in our class will. Neither will the prospect of flunking tests worry me. I know. It's impossible to change the way i behave...cos i m myself. And i m not HC, becuase I cannot fit into HC because i work in a way unlike most HC students too...and as such i am having trouble integrating into the HC envt.
No matter what they say or as much as they would like to dispute it, i know i m the laggiest 1st intaker in my class currently in terms of doing tutorials, excluding PRCs like yiqun (i exclude him not because he is intelligent, as you will see my stand later, but because i dont interact with him often enough to comment). In fmaths, i havent any vectors tutorials at all, and i havent started on A9. Not tt it helps when a substantial number of tutorials are copied from other ppl, cos initially i thot we have to hand in tutorials. For physics, it's much worse because effectively i have only touched Units and Quantities, Vectors and Scalars, and four qns of Kinematics. (well...i m not so sure for this but perhaps rach may be laggier in this aspect...even though i doubt so). And econs...yes. There is only me and wj around for the 1st intakes. And ever since i copied the mcqs from him at around tutorials 3 or 4 i have never touched econs tutorials at home again. And i know wj occasionally scribble notes around his tutorials...hence he has looked thru them at home...no matter how little time he spends...
Even after establishing the fact that i m the laggiest in tutorials, which i never get to do so, ppl will start to sweep the fact away by saying things like "pohwei, u're smart" and "i m sure u can catch up if u want to, it's juz tt u dont want" and "i m not intelligent like you and that's why i have to work harder". Bascially these are comments which make me feel quite bad, for a few reasons which i could think of...
Firstly, when i comment on my tutorial state, i m merely trying to make people feel better because i m damn behind by my tutorials. I can sense tt many are very stressed by the never-ending tutorials, and the only way which i tink they can relieve stress is to stop doing for a period of time so that they can rejuvenate and start doing again. However, the reply that i m intelligent actually encourages them to continue in their mugging state, which is sad but true.
Secondly, i know that i m not intelligent, at least as compared to them. This is a controversial point and it seems like i m fighting a losing battle currently. However, i know this is true, being one of the rare 8-pointer around who struggled to get 4a1s for my O lvls. Yes, results do not reflect your intelligence but they speak volumes about your academic abilities, something which i do not possess. And yes...even if i m slightly more intelligent than them, which i doubt so, the time they spend in their tutorials as compared to mine is proportionally higher than my intellectual abilities relative to theirs. Moreover, it's apparant that intelligent people nid to do their tutorials too in order to do well for examinations. Either way...they are much better off as compared to me. Yet they do not seem to recognise it.
Thirdly, i sense that i have caused unhappiness in others because of the misconception that i m more intelligent. And because of this unhappiness i know i will never be able to speak to them heart-to-heart, in a truthful and friendly manner. Speaking from a position i feel, which may or may not be true, i felt that wj is irritated when he cant understand elasticity concepts in fmaths tutorials today, partially because i can understand them well. This seem to leave him in a position of being the lousier first intake in our small econs class, which is certainly untrue. On the contary, judging from the number of pages he wrote this time, and the relavance and quality of his points which he mentioned to me, which are closely linked to economic concepts, i feel that he will do a good, if not a better job than me for this essay. This just shows how unhappiness can be felt even though it is unnecessary.
In terms of PR, i feel tt the situation is also closely linked to mugging. In HC, ppl are so mugged that they have little time left to go out and have fun together. In fact, i cant find any ppl yet who will be willing to spend a lot of their time going out and have fun. When i entered JC i feel that it's more impt to have fun than to do well in studies. However, thinking back, i feel i m foolish to even think that my fellow Hwachongians will tink the same way. Here, almost every single person is aiming for two S-Papers, even though only a small minority will get them eventually. To them, results are all tt matter, even though it may lead to a fucked-up HC life, a screwed up social life...or even no fucking life. In fact, results can be directly linked to some of the tension that is caused in relationship with others.
Moreover, in after hanging out with them for so long, i feel that i cannot associate with any of my classmates yet. Yes, i can crap and joke around with them, but when it comes to expressing my feelings, i feel that no one is willing to hear, and no one will understand. As a result, i m stuck as being regarded as a crapper who has nothing better to do. Crapping is good for ice-breaking but when it comes to a proper friendship, crapping alone doesnt help. If i find a stranger in the public which can understand crap, by the second day i know him i will have probably be able to crap as much as i crapped with any person in this class. This merely shows how superficial my relationship is with others. Yes, i know a lot of ppl from HC but are they all for crapping?
Well...i still got a lot to write but after spending more than one hour writing the above nonsense i tink i better stop now...and sleep. Will blog the other parts which i failed to mention when i feel like it.
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