Thursday, April 28, 2005
Life goes on...
I m not sure...i m confused...i m sad...i dont noe wat the hell is going on...and not tt i give a damn anyway...neither do i know why i m writing this down...
I know this isnt right for me....i knew it from the start...yet by tt time i was already too tired of doing anything...in fact...i still am. It's like a driver knowing clearly that he is heading towards a tree and yet not steering away...nor pedalling the brake. Either he is hoping the tree will somehow jump out of its way...or he is insane...or is no longer cares. Something so intense is driving me nuts...or it has already droven me nuts, but a madman doesnt know he is mad or hallucinating...does he?
Tommorow i will be receiving my Merit Award for the SSEF competition. Not a proud achievement, not even a mediorce one, in fact. Relative to our group's expectation, it sucks. Yet the award ceremony is an event tt i m looking fwd to, not because i can pon a few hours of school, but because i can reaped what i have sowed...something which i have toiled and worked hard for finally bear fruit.
Yet unfortunately, that was actually the last event from now which was actually part of me...something which i have pleasant memories of, something that will continue to live within me. I knew i carry a lot of chs memories with me...those were the days. Not that i didnt mug or what, not tt chs was an exceptionally good schl as it claimed to be, but it was the life. It was much simpler, much more lively and exuberant, much more fun than HC.
Not that i would have ever imagined me missing life in chs, esp when i was grumbling about it when i was there. About the stupid policies implemented by our corrupted principal, about stupid tests which was almost held daily. But then while we studied hard, we studied fun too. We crapped around...but it was a unique sort of it. We do fun things in the class together, legal or illegal. We heck about school rules. And in the end we scored well. We graduated.
I missed having close frenz around me so that i can confide in them. Here i felt left out. Like i never really ever belonged. Like no one will give a damn about how i felt. Here interactions, communications and relationships are superficial, like they existed for the sake of exisitance, like there isnt true, genuine sincerity at all.
I no longer want to comtemplate about whether i have made a right choice. qq has convinced me not to. Now i have to learn to live with it, despite the distinct differences, despite the fact that i have already given up. i have to learn to live with something which i have given up...
Wj asked me not to give up on the class. I find it impossible not to, cos this is already the fifth month. Yet nothing has happened, nothing is happening, and nothing will happen. I have given up trying to feel the class spirit, trying to be part of a class which is unqiue from any other.
Thinking about SSEF, there is perhaps a glimmer of hope. When i participated in SSEF, the few of them went down to support me...
But when u have given up on so many important things, giving up another is of no significance.
I know this isnt right for me....i knew it from the start...yet by tt time i was already too tired of doing anything...in fact...i still am. It's like a driver knowing clearly that he is heading towards a tree and yet not steering away...nor pedalling the brake. Either he is hoping the tree will somehow jump out of its way...or he is insane...or is no longer cares. Something so intense is driving me nuts...or it has already droven me nuts, but a madman doesnt know he is mad or hallucinating...does he?
Tommorow i will be receiving my Merit Award for the SSEF competition. Not a proud achievement, not even a mediorce one, in fact. Relative to our group's expectation, it sucks. Yet the award ceremony is an event tt i m looking fwd to, not because i can pon a few hours of school, but because i can reaped what i have sowed...something which i have toiled and worked hard for finally bear fruit.
Yet unfortunately, that was actually the last event from now which was actually part of me...something which i have pleasant memories of, something that will continue to live within me. I knew i carry a lot of chs memories with me...those were the days. Not that i didnt mug or what, not tt chs was an exceptionally good schl as it claimed to be, but it was the life. It was much simpler, much more lively and exuberant, much more fun than HC.
Not that i would have ever imagined me missing life in chs, esp when i was grumbling about it when i was there. About the stupid policies implemented by our corrupted principal, about stupid tests which was almost held daily. But then while we studied hard, we studied fun too. We crapped around...but it was a unique sort of it. We do fun things in the class together, legal or illegal. We heck about school rules. And in the end we scored well. We graduated.
I missed having close frenz around me so that i can confide in them. Here i felt left out. Like i never really ever belonged. Like no one will give a damn about how i felt. Here interactions, communications and relationships are superficial, like they existed for the sake of exisitance, like there isnt true, genuine sincerity at all.
I no longer want to comtemplate about whether i have made a right choice. qq has convinced me not to. Now i have to learn to live with it, despite the distinct differences, despite the fact that i have already given up. i have to learn to live with something which i have given up...
Wj asked me not to give up on the class. I find it impossible not to, cos this is already the fifth month. Yet nothing has happened, nothing is happening, and nothing will happen. I have given up trying to feel the class spirit, trying to be part of a class which is unqiue from any other.
Thinking about SSEF, there is perhaps a glimmer of hope. When i participated in SSEF, the few of them went down to support me...
But when u have given up on so many important things, giving up another is of no significance.
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