Thursday, June 09, 2005
LEARN How to say NO!
Extract 1
We all find ourselves at times in situations in which it is difficult to say no. For instance, you’ve planned to go skiing over Thanksgiving and your parents write you saying how much they’d like you to have Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Your boss asks you to work overtime and you have plans for that evening. A professor asks if you can do some extra work for her on a research project she’s working on. You have just bought a new sweater and a friend asks if she can borrow it. Someone asks you out that you don’t want to go out with. If you repeatedly find yourself acquiescing or agreeing to these types of requests and feeling unhappy about it you might want to look at some reasons why you say yes when you prefer to say no. You might fear the loss of the relationship or be afraid of damaging the relationship in some way. So you end up treating the relationship as fragile and dependent on your constant compliance. You, like so many people, may feel guilty about saying no since you have been taught to go out of your way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. So you end up feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings as if their happiness depends on your agreeing. This takes away their right to be responsible for their own feelings. You might feel you are a bad person if you refuse - selfish and self-centered. You have been taught the virtue of self-sacrifice and self-denial. So you end up being more concerned and more considerate of others than you are of yourself. You may feel flattered at being asked. It makes you feel important and you’re afraid if you say no this time you’ll never be asked again. These are examples of emotional hooks that can interfere with your freedom of action.
What are some ways to make it easier to say no? Much of it is cognitive work. The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if a friend wants to borrow your favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences you anticipate if you say no? Are you afraid he or she will never speak to you again? If you say no to an employer, do you fear being fired from your job? If you say no to a professor, do you anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?
Once you have identified your catastrophic expectations, the next step is the restate them more realistically. For example, you might tell yourself if I say no, my friend will be disappointed not to be able to borrow my records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. He or she will likely respect me more for having said no clearly.
My employer may not be happy about my not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for me. If I agree to do something I don’t want to do I will probably feel dissatisfied with myself. I may also feel angry and resentful at the other person. In this case the no may come across non-verbally, in missing deadlines, being unpleasant or silent, thinking of other things when with the other person. Self-denying behavior will probably reinforce the unwanted behavior of others and encourage them to keep making unreasonable demands of me.
After you have restated your beliefs more rationally so that you feel ready to say no and fell good about doing so, the next step is to say it directly to the person, with a sense of assertiveness in your voice and manner. Make sure the non-verbal message is the same as your words. Are you making eye contact? Is your tone non-apologetic?
Because you have been socialized from early years to be acquiescent and compliant, saying no will undoubtably be very difficult for you the first few times. To make it easier, begin by saying no in some low risk situations where you’re perfectly assured of your right to say no and with this practice you’ll build up confidence in yourself and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when you may be feeling uncertain of yourself inside.
It is usually easier to say no to certain people than to others. For you these may be close friends or maybe strangers or family. Anticipate a situation you think will come up and practice what you will say. Rehearse saying no in a clear and direct way. Be aware of your entire manner and tone of voice when you do so.
In more difficult situations when you are unsure of what you want to say or how you want to say it, try giving yourself time, by telling the other person - can I think about it? Then sort out what you feel and what your irrational beliefs and expectations are to your saying no.
If your have said no, but someone persists, like a broken record, not listening to your first no, you may need to persist in saying no. Are you simply the kind of person who gives in? Or do you tend to get angry? You may need to get their attention by touching them and saying - you seem to be invested in getting me to agree, but I’ve said no and I really mean it.
Despite the messages many of us get when growing up about being accommodating and going out of our way for others. It is important to realize that there is healthy selfish behavior. You have a right to say no and feel good about it. As you attend to your own feelings and needs you will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.
There are many good books written about assertiveness that have sections on saying no. Among these are:
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Tenserheim
Your Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons
You might inquire about assertive groups that are offered on your campus or in your community. If you would like to discuss this area further, please contact the University of Florida Counseling Center (if a UF student or student spouse) or a mental health agency in your community.
Note: This document is based on an audio tape script developed by the University of Texas, Austin. With their permission, it was revised and edited into its current form by the staff of the University of Florida Counseling Center.
Extract 2
* We say "yes"to others because we want to please them. But when eventually we can't continue, we let them down and we feel guilty. Both parties suffer. Recognize that a desire to please often prevents us from saying no.
* Stick to your plan. If you have a written set of goals and strategies, this gives you a reason to stick to your course. ("Thanks, but I already have an investment plan, so you don't need to send me a newsletter about stocks.")
* When someone persists, repeat your position, perhaps in a slightly different way. ("As I already said, our policy is to donate to charities that help children only.")
* Make sure you understand exactly what is being asked of you before you respond. Perhaps the task is more time consuming than you thought. On the other hand, it may not take much effort at all.
* Excel at just a few things, rather than being just average at many. Don't try to do everything.
* You have a right to say no. Remember that others may take you for granted and even lose respect for you if you don't.
* Be polite, but firm in saying no. You only build false hopes with wishy-washy responses. For instance, the phrase "I'll try to be there" in response to a party invitation is giving yourself an excuse to avoid a commitment. It doesn't do anyone any favours.
* When a superior asks you to do a new urgent task;
* Remind her that you are working on other projects that she has already identified as top priorities
* Ask for help in deciding where the new task should fall on the list of priorities
* Ask "What you like to give up in order for me to do this?"
* Point out that you might be able to do everything, but not to the usual high standards that are expected.
* Some experts recommend keeping your answer short. This way, you can say no without feeling the need for a lengthy justification. ("I'm sorry, I'm not available that night.") On the other hand, others say that giving a longer answer with reasons reinforces your credibility. Let the situation decide.
* Provide suggestions or alternatives to the person who is asking. ("I can't do that task today, but how about next week," or "How about asking John instead?")
* When in doubt, it's easier to say no now, then change your mind to a yes later, rather than the other way around.
We all find ourselves at times in situations in which it is difficult to say no. For instance, you’ve planned to go skiing over Thanksgiving and your parents write you saying how much they’d like you to have Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Your boss asks you to work overtime and you have plans for that evening. A professor asks if you can do some extra work for her on a research project she’s working on. You have just bought a new sweater and a friend asks if she can borrow it. Someone asks you out that you don’t want to go out with. If you repeatedly find yourself acquiescing or agreeing to these types of requests and feeling unhappy about it you might want to look at some reasons why you say yes when you prefer to say no. You might fear the loss of the relationship or be afraid of damaging the relationship in some way. So you end up treating the relationship as fragile and dependent on your constant compliance. You, like so many people, may feel guilty about saying no since you have been taught to go out of your way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. So you end up feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings as if their happiness depends on your agreeing. This takes away their right to be responsible for their own feelings. You might feel you are a bad person if you refuse - selfish and self-centered. You have been taught the virtue of self-sacrifice and self-denial. So you end up being more concerned and more considerate of others than you are of yourself. You may feel flattered at being asked. It makes you feel important and you’re afraid if you say no this time you’ll never be asked again. These are examples of emotional hooks that can interfere with your freedom of action.
What are some ways to make it easier to say no? Much of it is cognitive work. The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if a friend wants to borrow your favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences you anticipate if you say no? Are you afraid he or she will never speak to you again? If you say no to an employer, do you fear being fired from your job? If you say no to a professor, do you anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?
Once you have identified your catastrophic expectations, the next step is the restate them more realistically. For example, you might tell yourself if I say no, my friend will be disappointed not to be able to borrow my records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. He or she will likely respect me more for having said no clearly.
My employer may not be happy about my not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for me. If I agree to do something I don’t want to do I will probably feel dissatisfied with myself. I may also feel angry and resentful at the other person. In this case the no may come across non-verbally, in missing deadlines, being unpleasant or silent, thinking of other things when with the other person. Self-denying behavior will probably reinforce the unwanted behavior of others and encourage them to keep making unreasonable demands of me.
After you have restated your beliefs more rationally so that you feel ready to say no and fell good about doing so, the next step is to say it directly to the person, with a sense of assertiveness in your voice and manner. Make sure the non-verbal message is the same as your words. Are you making eye contact? Is your tone non-apologetic?
Because you have been socialized from early years to be acquiescent and compliant, saying no will undoubtably be very difficult for you the first few times. To make it easier, begin by saying no in some low risk situations where you’re perfectly assured of your right to say no and with this practice you’ll build up confidence in yourself and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when you may be feeling uncertain of yourself inside.
It is usually easier to say no to certain people than to others. For you these may be close friends or maybe strangers or family. Anticipate a situation you think will come up and practice what you will say. Rehearse saying no in a clear and direct way. Be aware of your entire manner and tone of voice when you do so.
In more difficult situations when you are unsure of what you want to say or how you want to say it, try giving yourself time, by telling the other person - can I think about it? Then sort out what you feel and what your irrational beliefs and expectations are to your saying no.
If your have said no, but someone persists, like a broken record, not listening to your first no, you may need to persist in saying no. Are you simply the kind of person who gives in? Or do you tend to get angry? You may need to get their attention by touching them and saying - you seem to be invested in getting me to agree, but I’ve said no and I really mean it.
Despite the messages many of us get when growing up about being accommodating and going out of our way for others. It is important to realize that there is healthy selfish behavior. You have a right to say no and feel good about it. As you attend to your own feelings and needs you will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.
There are many good books written about assertiveness that have sections on saying no. Among these are:
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Tenserheim
Your Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons
You might inquire about assertive groups that are offered on your campus or in your community. If you would like to discuss this area further, please contact the University of Florida Counseling Center (if a UF student or student spouse) or a mental health agency in your community.
Note: This document is based on an audio tape script developed by the University of Texas, Austin. With their permission, it was revised and edited into its current form by the staff of the University of Florida Counseling Center.
Extract 2
* We say "yes"to others because we want to please them. But when eventually we can't continue, we let them down and we feel guilty. Both parties suffer. Recognize that a desire to please often prevents us from saying no.
* Stick to your plan. If you have a written set of goals and strategies, this gives you a reason to stick to your course. ("Thanks, but I already have an investment plan, so you don't need to send me a newsletter about stocks.")
* When someone persists, repeat your position, perhaps in a slightly different way. ("As I already said, our policy is to donate to charities that help children only.")
* Make sure you understand exactly what is being asked of you before you respond. Perhaps the task is more time consuming than you thought. On the other hand, it may not take much effort at all.
* Excel at just a few things, rather than being just average at many. Don't try to do everything.
* You have a right to say no. Remember that others may take you for granted and even lose respect for you if you don't.
* Be polite, but firm in saying no. You only build false hopes with wishy-washy responses. For instance, the phrase "I'll try to be there" in response to a party invitation is giving yourself an excuse to avoid a commitment. It doesn't do anyone any favours.
* When a superior asks you to do a new urgent task;
* Remind her that you are working on other projects that she has already identified as top priorities
* Ask for help in deciding where the new task should fall on the list of priorities
* Ask "What you like to give up in order for me to do this?"
* Point out that you might be able to do everything, but not to the usual high standards that are expected.
* Some experts recommend keeping your answer short. This way, you can say no without feeling the need for a lengthy justification. ("I'm sorry, I'm not available that night.") On the other hand, others say that giving a longer answer with reasons reinforces your credibility. Let the situation decide.
* Provide suggestions or alternatives to the person who is asking. ("I can't do that task today, but how about next week," or "How about asking John instead?")
* When in doubt, it's easier to say no now, then change your mind to a yes later, rather than the other way around.
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