Tuesday, September 20, 2005

 

a decision

Have you ever clinged onto something so tightly, only to be dispossessed of it at the very end?

These days, it seems like everything mattered no longer. Or at least it has been this way since HC life, feeling the void within me expanding ever rapidly into nothingness. Last week i participated in a chinese oratory competition with the small harmoc clique in my class, comprising of youjin, huifang and yuejia. And it struck me as to how unruffled, how at ease i was throughout the course of the competition. And there was physics spa last thursday too which i was so nonchalant about. Compare the attitude with the one i have for SSEF held earlier this year, and last year's prelim prac. Well, you see the contrast, dont you? The thing is that nothing fazes me now. Absolutely nothing at all, as much as i pretend there is.

Speaking of which i shouldnt be surprised by my unequivocal decision. Of course, it was a choice of considerable importance, one which i could either live to appreciate it or regret it, although the latter always sounds more likely. Till after promos i still have plenty of time to mull over it, but i am adamant that once my mind is set there will be no turning back. At this juncture i would like to thank whoever has guided me in the duration of my life for the wisdom and the unwavering faith you have shown towards me, although sad to say i have never had the capability to use them. You might not know who you are but nevertheless you have influenced me in my selection and i could not be more grateful about it. Yes, the multiple yous.

On another note i discovered, to my horror, that my fitness level has degenerated to a god-knows-what completely hopless level. It seemed that 3.5km twice a week on a trackmill is never going to maintain whatever stamina i have. Today i ran around numbly and died by the time i was halfway through the 50 degree incline, a slope that i used to take so much pride in being able to conquer. In the end, i barely managed to complete the course. And without the imaginaries of running i used to have i was dead meat. Ironically, it was a track which i used to boast about being able to complete effortlessly, and today i found it to be an extremely arduous journey. Suddenly it dawned upon me as to how much i have lost since i came here. Amongst the outstanding back then, I was actually good without me knowing it. Now i have lost any flair that was ever within me and i know it. A falling star indeed.

While running on this track i will always remember the fateful friday that happened three years ago, when we, defeated and demoralized, were posed this question, "What do you do if you have lost something that once belonged?" And after a minute of silence he replied, by the time no longer able to contain the surge of energy within him, that you fight DOUBLY hard to win it back. A statement so common-sensical, yet with such astonishing degree of veracity. It was that that have left me intact after so many years.

I will reclaim whatever that was mine. I will complete today's course with the dour which once governed me. Before the decision is finally made.

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